Where Has All the Spirituality Gone?

I have a keen interest in holistic health and am very interested in spirituality, especially Eastern ideals. It brings calm and balance to my life. It makes me feel good. My husband seems to think Buddhism might be the next stop for me after I started wearing a bracelet last year that is engraved with a Buddhist concept, "Be still and know." Catholicism to Buddhism, it's a veritable spirituality tour.

However, I find it increasingly difficult to incorporate this kind of practice in one's life when trailed around by a three-year-old. Besides the obvious challenges of lack of quiet ("Mommy, what book are you reading? What is that smell? What are those pretty cards? When can we watch my princess DVD again?") and a myriad of tasks involved in the care and feeding of said child, I have been rewarded with a kid who keeps almost identical hours as I do. In fact, in some cases, she stays up later than me chatting in bed and I wake to her little voice in the morning. She's perfectly delightful but I find it a challenge to have to get up at 5:30 or 6 to have some "me time." You might be thinking, why not include her? I do. She loves my "52 Relaxing Rituals" cards and she experiences some aromatherapy on a regular basis. But, c'mon, we all know it's not the same. I am fortunate to have time to myself for other activities- errands, work, friends, a good book- but this one piece has not been resurrected yet.

Prior to having a child, I had time for contemplation and growth. There was continuity to that time. It helped me to become the person that was able and ready to be a wife and mother. I somewhat mourn that dedicated time for growth. But I know it will come again. Even now, every year that my daughter grows older and she is more independent (just how we want her!), I know that, soon enough, there will come a time when I am sad because she is doing here own thing completely. But, for now, can I please get an hour here and there to flip some medicine cards or work on some growth goals?

Blackberry vs. iPhone

The time has come when I need to incorporate some new technology into my life. I am now working on the road enough, away from reliable wifi, that I need to start thinking about having better access to email etc. My current phone- an LG- is a pretty basic model. It's a phone, first and foremost, and pretty limited in its functions. But it is a friend and constant companion who has served me well. I remember when I first brought it home. It felt so technologically advanced. How soon things change.

So now I'm shopping around. My husband is a diehard Apple consumer. "Consumer" isn't quite the right word because his devotion transcends a mere purchasing of products. Of course, he has an iPhone. I use it occasionally when we are traveling. It really does have everything. I love using the browser, the nav system, and all the fun apps that have been downloaded (by the way, my career advice to you: if you want to make your millions, start creating an app for an iPhone). But, because of the price and the monthly access fees, I really didn't even consider it an option.

Then, over the holidays, I saw an ad for a Blackberry. Okay, I have to admit, part of why that little device looked so appealing is the cool frosted pink color which is one of the options. I started checking out the Curve and realized that I could get one for what seems to me a more affordable price. Let the comparison shopping begin!

Heading to Verizon, where I am currently a customer, I previewed the various options. I know I want a Qwerty keyboard and nothing too flippy. I know I need something I can grow into. I really like the features and look of the Blackberry. I like the fact I can synch my iCal and contacts to a Blackberry. The only thing that seems to be missing is the super-cool web browser that, on the iPhone, looks like I'm sitting in front of my computer screen at home. But, my goodness, the fees! Huge disappointment hit as I realized the monthly access fee is most definitely not in the cards right now.

By default, my husband is an AT&T customer. I have mixed feelings for AT&T based on some incidents in the early 90s. But, at this point, I might need to ditch my beloved Verizon and go on a family plan at AT&T. Then, it might be affordable. And AT&T has a good red color if I go with the Blackberry. So off I went to AT&T. There I encountered the lovely Justin. What a nice man! He patiently hung out with me for over an hour, answering my questions and even seeming to enjoy the experience at some points. Great customer service. Even better, he and I did a little digging and discovered the Curve that I might really want- the 8900. Currently only available in Canada, it has all the good Curve features with the upgraded browser of the Bold. This might be it! So I wait until February for it's alleged release date. The best news? My husband and I can have joint plans on AT&T whose total price will be equal to or less than what we're paying now.

In the meantime, the comparison shopping continues. I have until March to decide. Ultimately, I don't think I'm quite enough of a grownup for an iPhone. With the pricetag, I keep having these visions- nightmares really- of dropping it and either having to replace it or downgrade and, at that point, I'll be inextricably tethered to its charms. About that touchscreen: I just don't think, right now, I'm a touchscreen kind of girl. I have sausage-finger-itis with the iPhone. I'm told it will improve with use but what if it doesn't? Those little raised keys feel so much more natural to me. And the fingerprints. Oh, the fingerprints. I find myself obsessively wiping the iPhone. Do I want to be tied into that kind of care and feeding? All highly scientific factors, I know.

The over-thinking continues...

Falling Off the Wagon

Okay, let's be real. There wasn't much of a wagon to fall from. I've never been a huge fan of organized exercise. I'm not a person to jump off the couch and embrace the prospect of a nice long run or a bike ride miles long. My tennis partner (yes, tennis is exercise I can enthusiastically buy into- fun, good exercise, I have some aptitude for it) every once in a while tries to convince me to take a cardio tennis class with her. Tennis is hard enough without trying to purposefully inject more cardiovascular exercise into it. I keep telling her she's trying to make me into a better person. Not interested.

There was a time when exercise was different for me. I used to go to the local Y and do the whole Stairmaster, Nautilus, sit-ups thing. I met a great friend at that gym. Then, after a particularly bad time in my 20s, exercise was my salvation. I'd plug myself into a Walkman and walk, walk, walk for miles around my neighborhood. I've never been much of a traditional meditation practitioner and this was meditation for me.

But, these days, it seems like exercise gets pre-empted by everything. Literally everything. Last year, I told myself that when my daughter was in preschool two mornings a week I could get it together to exercise at least the Thursday morning. I went to the gym a total of two times. Two. And the home routine lasted all of about four weeks.

I was okay with my fair-weather exercise "plan." Until the great Wii incident of 2008. On a holiday visit to family, my husband and I had the opportunity to engage in the merriment of their new Wii. Golf...bowling...tennis, we did it all. And we also tried out the fitness modular which, for those of you who aren't familiar, weighs you (check!), figures your BMI (check! ideal, by the way), gives you a balance test, and assigns you a Wii Fitness age. What was my age? 55! Yes, 55! I was horrified. I did flunk the balance test- I'm not exactly known for my grace- because I went first and had no idea what to expect. Horrifying! I generally feel about 23 or 24. Sometimes the body feels like its closer-to-reality 40 years. But 55?? Doubly horrifying since my husband clocked in at 34.

So I'm back on the fitness trail. I can't wait until tennis season begins again. Or the snow melts and we can bike to the park. Thank goodness for a friend/personal trainer who put together a routine for me last year which can be accomplished in about 15 minutes in front of the TV. I'm dusting it off after a 7 month hiatus. And I did go to the gym last week, Nano plugged in now instead of Walkman. And I consider snow shoveling to be one of the few perks of the winter season. Until April, I'll try. And then gladly (joyously!) pick up my tennis racquet again and keep fending off invitations to cardio tennis.

The Half and Half Day (aka Split Personality)

Mondays are interesting days around here. Since I am both mommy and business owner there is a good deal of overlap of lives on a daily basis. Emails to answer while preparing meals or changing princess clothes; proposals written while Dora plays in the background. But nothing quite represents these different roles in my life- my split personality- like Mondays.

Monday mornings are 100% kid time, filled with Toddler Gym, Gymboree, play dates and other such kid events. But all needs to be wrapped up and we need to be headed home by 11:30. It is then a whirlwind of lunch, costume change (sometimes for both of us), and naptime. Literally, my heart races and it is a game of beat-the-clock to get to nap before the sitter arrives. Because we all know what happens if that isn't accomplished. The sitter is fun; too much fun to miss out on by doing something silly and useless like napping.

As I pull out of the driveway at 1:30, hoping I don't have random food particles stuck to my work attire, I breathe a sigh of relief. Because, as much as I love my daughter and my time with her, I love working too. In the 5-15 minutes it takes me to drive to meet a client, hopefully the transformation is complete and I am now in consultant mode.

I arrive home by 5 and then it's back to super mommy status. There are stories to hear about what has happened in the last 3+ hours. There is dinner to prepare. But, I'm still in my "work" clothes and there are still emails to answer. Worlds collide! Split personality Mondays...

Whole Foods Fantasies, Part 2: Counterpoint

My husband went out with a mutual friend the other night. They both decided, among other important topics of conversation (most extolling the virtues of the iPhone) that, if they were both living alone again, they would

1) have no land-line for phone and
2) not pay for TV and only use the Internet.

So, there you have it.

Whole Foods Fantasies

I was walking in Whole Foods the other day, cruising the snack aisle, when I looked over and saw this woman with one of those half carts. You know the ones- for single, unencumbered people and old people who apparently don't eat enough to qualify for a large cart. In the interest of full disclosure, I , too, had one of the half carts but I had it because I was planning to pick up a total of three items in ten minutes, shopping in between other errands before I was expected to return to my family unit. Anyway, I saw this woman and glanced down in her cart. Tortillas... some cheese... a few pieces of fruit... a couple of cans... two containers of yogurt (not industrial size). Ahhhh, a single person. Boy, did it take me back. I was slammed with this just-yesterday feeling of Carefree Saturdays. I capitalize those words because they deserve that importance. At the time, and you don't know it at the time, those are moments to be treasured. I remember when I was single, living alone, a typical Saturday entailed one of two plans:

Plan A- a nice, long walk in the morning, followed by some planning of what kind of yummy food to cook for dinner (which, on a Saturday night, was a meal often savored in front of a good movie), followed by a trip to the grocery store, followed by maybe a nap, movie, or good book... or all three.

Plan B- a trip to the farmer's market (often on my bike) or the grocery store, an afternoon of made-for-TV movies, maybe a nice walk at the local nature center, an evening with friends, maybe an art opening or something.

Ahhhh, freedom. No responsibilities (to be addressed in a future post). Choices that can move with the wind. But life is all about rosy colored glasses, no? And I often think about my satisfaction level/happiness quotient would be if I was, 10 years later, still living out Plan A or Plan B. I venture to say it would have gotten old. And I have traded Carefree Saturdays for bike rides and playground trips and Pancake Sundays and "Mommy, I like you."

But a girl can still have her Whole Foods fantasies...

The Back Story

I am a now almost 40-year-old with a husband of five years and a daughter of three. I came to this whole family adventure in a timeframe some would consider late. For many years there seemed to be some doubt- mine and others- whether I would a) find "the one" and b) have the interest to make it stick. In fact, my mom- a pretty serious Catholic- got to a point in my dating life, when my relationship with my future husband got serious, and she started saying things like "Don't worry about the order. Kids... marriage... it can all just happen how it needs to happen." The point is, I was no child bride. But the fact that I've made it this far is a testament to my husband who is really wonderful and a gem.

I spent most of my twenties figuring out who I was and how to live with that person. I liked it but it did have some drawbacks- lack of companionship, I was solely responsible for taking out the garbage, I liked vacationing with someone, going to all my friends' weddings alone was getting to be a real drag. I met my husband. He was and is pretty fantastic and perhaps the only man in the world I can live with. So, now, I've spent most of my thirties figuring out how to adjust to being a wife (and that's a whole other story- my struggles with independent ideals and some weird ingrained 1950s housewife mentality) and being a mother. I had no doubt that I wanted a child (notice the singular- more on that later) but, regardless, I looked down at the stick that said "pregnant", I looked up at my husband, burst into tears and said "What have we done?!" The next 18 years seemed liked a yawning chasm.

The last piece of the puzzle... Did I mention I own a consulting business? On a daily basis I help individuals and organizations make decisions for their lives and futures. I seem to have some kind of gift (vision? I'm not going to take full credit for it because the clarity is something that is truly intuitive/6th sense-ish). Thus, the Super Mommy moniker. It's juggling act of home, work, friends, life. Isn't there some way it can be easier? Will I be sleep deprived until I retire, when I will then have an acute case of insomnia and not sleep anyway? Some days I am on top of the world, a balanced efficiency machine. Many days (most days?) I feel like they are misadventures and I am hanging by a nail. And a not-so-manicured one at that.

So it goes, my misadventures...